the curious bark of benjamin button

It's that time, folks! Every year, my friend Venn hosts his annual Oscar party -- a chance for us pop-culture buffs and film-whores to gather, make merry and celebrate Hollywood in all its bloated, over-the-top-glory.

This is also a feasting occasion. Usually, the snackage is somehow tied into the nominated films of the year. I have pushed the limits of this with my Curious Bark of Benjamin Button . . . my own version of the super-junk-food-licious dessert made by my friend Chelsee over at We Are Not Martha.

Not only was this Bark a big crowd pleaser at the office, the "recipe" seemed idiot-proof enough for even moi to attempt!

Step 1 -- gather junk food on cookie sheet like so:


That would be a selection of smashed up Oreos, pretzels and M&Ms . . . you know, 3 of the 5 major food groups.


Step 2 -- Top your tray o' crap with melted chocolate:


The "chocolate" is actually melted candy-making wafers, that are surprisingly hard to find. Thank God.

Step 3 -- After tray of Bark has chilled in the fridge for a couple hours, break it down into small pieces:


Ok, I won't lie . . . I had to "sample" several pieces of Bark to make sure it "came out ok". It came out devine --but I'm about ready to spew now . . . a little of this goes a long way, my friends! Just like Brad Pitt in a Forrest Gump-rip-off. I think I've filled my Bark quota for the next 6 months. Pass the Tums, please.

Bark is now safely packaged and ready for partying:



I think I'll bring the rest of the Oreos and some "Milk" (like the movie . . . get it?) as an alternative sweet snack. Thank God I don't need to cram myself into a designer gown later!

soup's on!

The other night, I called my father.

"Tarryn! Ohh, man! I just made the best carrot soup!" he crowed into the phone. "Oh my god . . . this is the amazing! Wow! Yes!"

My dad is easily excited by things like patterns made by leaves floating on a pool of water, or the hoot of an owl, or his own delicious culinary experiments in the kitchen.

Listening to him gloat about his amazing soup made me jealous. Why had he never made nirvana-inspiring soups when I lived at home? I'd never had carrot soup before in my life . . . but suddenly I wanted some. Right now.

Keeping in mind my last failed attempt in the kitchen, I decided to forego Papa G's fancy Moosewood Cookbook recipe and kept it simple. I found a carrot soup recipe online that called for:

carrots
chicken broth
fat free sour cream
chives

Four things! Surely I could remember 4 ingredients! Hell, a four year old could remember 4 ingredients!

Don't overestimate me, people. I forgot the chives. Whatever -- who needs chives?

This recipe is so simple, a monkey could make it. Step 1 -- put carrots in pot. Cover with broth. Boil. Observe!




Step 2 -- dump softened carrots and broth into blender / food processor. If you are hungry and tired like me, you might be tempted to try to jam all your carrots and broth into the food processor in one go. This, I discovered, can result in being splattered with several cups of scalding hot carrot-broth.

This is by no means the most corrosive substance I've had splashed in my eyes, though. There was an unfortunate incident in 2003, when I was "helping" Mama G pump her own gas at local self-serve station, and she got flustered and started spraying unleaded regular gas all the pump, her hand, and my face. True story. My vision has never been the same since. Thus my need to bulk up on my carrot intake -- they're supposedly good for your eyes, yes?

Anyway -- back to the recipe. I reccommend puree-ing your carrots in batches. In the end, it will look like this:




Step 3 -- after your pretty orange carrot mash cools for a few minutes, stir in your sour cream, slowly and gradually. The directions specifically say to do this "slowly and gradually" -- damned if I know why. Probably to make you feel like there is actual skill involved in preparing this recipe. Patience and a sense of timing -- it's what sets us apart from the monkeys.

Step 4 -- add chives. Or, if you're like me, say, "Hahahah! Eff you, chives! I have created soooooooup!!" -- and hold your bowl above your head like an offering to the culinary gods.

Soup is now ready to be consumed as part of a balanced dinner:



The result? MMM MMM good!! I had to resist the urge to ring up dad and boast into the phone about my own batch of wonder-soup. Maybe this calls for a Soup Duel -- Papa G and I will have a carrot soup throwdown, and we'll invite in a bunch of rabbits to taste test. I bet my soup will win, cuz Papa G's has nuts and ginger and crap in it -- and everyone knows, rabbits don't eat nuts.

The best part? I have a giant pot of leftover soup in my fridge, to be enjoyed for lunches, snacks, and surprise gifts to friends and neighbors. Come and get it, people!

No seriously -- I don't think one girl can consume this much soup.

"saag" attempts at indian cooking . . . and puns

Ha! You people thought this blog was dead! Wrong! It was merely in a post-holiday food coma.

But here we are, in the darkest, deadliest months of the year . . . winter in New England is a cruel beast. So cruel, you know where I'd almost rather be?

Mumbai!

I've been having a wicked craving for Indian food lately, so the other night I decided to throw caution to the wind and crawl back up on the culinary horse. I found a recipe over here at Happy Herbivore for some delicious and healthy dal and saag.

Spinach and spices and yogurt? I thought. I am well acquainted with all of those things! How hard can this be?

Logistically, not too tricky. Spinach -- check. Five different little jars from the grocery store spice rack -- check. Yogurt -- and why not some greek yogurt, since we're gettin' all international up in here! -- check. Onions . . . shit. Well -- who needs onions anyway?

So, step one: throw all the ingredients in a pan, like so . . .



Pay no attention to the vomitous yellow color and consistency! Remember -- this blog was birthed from the inspiring palate of Nutrisystem. Pre-digested-looking food will never frighten me again. I think at this point, I'd already run the spinach thru the food processor, and was mixing in my kappa gamma yogurt like a champ!

Step 2: (as invented by me) Throw saag on top of chicken breast (sorry, vegans!). Stuff it in some flax wheat pitas. Eat it plain with a spoon. So many ways to enjoy saag! Right?





Wrong.

I wanted to like it. I really did. I wanted to be able to go into work and say, "Man, I made some effing delicious Indian food last night! That's right -- I made it myself! With a recipe . . . and a stove!"

Here's where I think I failed:

1. Spices. This lil' eye-talian can garlic-crust the shit out of anything . . . but hand me a jar of coriander and some ground ginger . . . and you might as well have given me moon dust. A teaspoon? A tablespoon? What is my perferred level of gingery-ness? Clearly not the amount I put in this recipe . . . it was like an tiny, angry gingerbread man took a shit on my tongue.

2. Yogurt. Ok -- apparently not all yogurts are created equal. Though the recipe called for soy yogurt, I went for greek thinking . . . it's thick, it's creamy, what's not to love? I neglected to think carefully about the distinct, sour-creamy tang that plain greek yogurt has. And thus, when introduced to our friends Garlic, Ginger, and Senor Cayenne Pepper . . . there was a Flavah War. And some bitches went down.

3. Onions. I lied. Maybe you do need onions.

I forced myself to experience the entirety of this meal before scrapping the leftovers. But am I deterred? No I am not! I would totally attempt this recipe again, following instruction to the letter next time. If for no other reason than I now have a cupboard full of exotic Indian spices I need to get rid of. If anyone else has any coriander-heavy recipes . . . please, pass them along!

My Indian food cravings were properly satiated here. But the next time I'm feelin' spicy / Bollywoody, I totally intend to tackle the dal . . . stay tuned!

'Tis The Season!

She's baaaaack!

I’m alive people, honest I am! I’ve just been preoccupied with day-to-day craziness, trying to dodge the little black cloud that seems to be following me around. Now here we are in the thick of the holiday season . . . how the hell did that happen? The calendar says I should be shopping and tree-trimming and cookie baking . . . so far, I’ve managed only one of those 3:



This photo was taken with the camera on my new cell phone. I know people have been emailing cell phone photos for years now . . . but I just learned to do this last week. So I am once again armed with a photographic device and ready to document the holiday season in all its honey-glazed, sugar-plummed glory!

In fact, I attended my first Feast of Wintery Goodness last nite! My pals Liz and Jimbo hosted a Sunday nite shindig of epic culinary proportions. Liz is a great cook . . . someone who knows how to “simmer” or “baste” things, and how to make soup and pie crust from scratch. Everyone else brought a side dish to add to the feasting fun . . . my contribution was a salad (surprise!) . . .topped with almonds and cranberries. Basically, I combined bags of pre-packaged greens and toppings in a large bowl. Others were slightly more ambitious – Kevin made Sweet Potato Pie that could make baby angels weep with happiness, and Alison provided delightful baked turnips that made other root vegetables everywhere seethe with jealousy. Liz whipped up an amazing Pumpkin Soup, cornbread stuffing (who knew there was such a thing?! I always thought ‘cornbread stuffing’ was a Dickensian fantasy food like ‘figgy pudding’) and cornish game hens, followed by a sinfully yummy pecan pumpkin pie. There was not much conversing and plenty of chewing, the sign of a truly successful meal.

The evening also showed that you don’t need to have a fancy-ass, Martha-Stewart style table setting to have a perfectly legitimate and successful dinner party. Good food is still good even when it is cooked in disposable pans with Ikea tools and eaten off a plate in your lap while camped out on the sofa. I sometimes forget this when I survey my abysmally small and ill-equipped kitchen. Yes, it would be awesome to have a KitchenAid stand mixer or a counter to put it on – but these minor challenges need not hamper my culinary abilities forever! Back in the day, people prepared Christmas dinner for families of 12 on a woodstove. At the end of the day, its not about how tricked out your kitchen is, or how perfectly the table is set . . . its about good friends, good food, and the sharing of both.

So Much to Celebrate!

Yikes -- so its been a few weeks, huh? My bad, I know. My excuse for the lack of posting, while lame, is still legit. At first, I was super busy planning and executing a Halloween bash where I actually cooked food!! And then, after taking many photos of my culinary triumphs for blog-posting . . . I discovered that my camera battery charger has gone missing. So for now, you are going to get all the fun of my party updating without the awesome visuals. I apologize!

So those who know me know that Halloween is one of my top 3 favorite holidays. Seriously, what's not to love about dressing up, shoveling in free candy and scaring the shit out of your friends? These are favorite pastimes of mine any day of the year -- so the fact that there's an official holiday involving all 3 is amazing. This year, I decided to invite the posse over for some nibbles and drinks before heading up the street to our favorite dive / karaoke hangout for costumed karaoke insanity! My menu was pretty ambitious for a girl who never cooks, but I figured if it turned out disastrously I could simply pretend that I was trying to frighten them with terrible food on purpose.

Halloween Menu!

A variety of dips, chips and veggies, including a white bean dip recipe I pilfered from the girls at We Are Not Martha

Bruschetta made with fresh bread from the Copley Farmers Market

"Mummified Coconut Shrimp" . . . I cheated with this one and bought pre-made frozen coconut shrimp . . . I haven't quite worked my way up to frying seafood . . . yet.

Hellishly Hot Buffalo Chicken Fingers . . . Again, I bought frozen chicken fingers and some buffalo hot sauce -- nothing like some fried poultry to balance out an insane sugar high!

Sweet Potato Casserole! This was the dish I was most proud of -- made entirely from scratch for the first time ever -- and I had no leftovers!! A good sign!

Cornbread . . . made from a Trader Joe's mix, but it was yuuuummy nonetheless!

Salad with walnuts, cranberries and fresh farmer's market goat cheese . . . I forgot to put this out! So if anyone needs a log of fresh goat cheese, let me know.


Amy Sedaris' Original CUPCAKES!! . . . I have made these before, and I have to say this probably wasn't my best batch. That might be because I ran out of vanilla extract Thursday night at around midnight, so I had to put the batter in the fridge and leave it for the next day. Also, my $15 hand mixer from Target doesn't always do the best job of getting batter completely smooth . . . but even still, I loooove this cupcake recipe almost as much as I love Amy Sedaris (who inspired my Halloween costume!)

Pumpkin Swirl Brownies . . . these were also a homage to the girls over at We Are Not Martha . . . Chelsee brought me one a few weeks ago and I decided to attempt them myself! They didn't come out quite as fudgy as Chelsee's . . but for a first attempt, they weren't too bad.


This exercise in cooking for more than one person also showed just how miserably ill-equipped my kitchen is. Mama G, who I recruited to come be my emotional support during the party prep, was horrified by my lack of mixing bowls, counter space, etc. I also apparently only have one oven mitt, which makes taking a giant tray of brownies out of the oven really hard!! Hopefully I will get some kitchen tools for Christmas . . . and in the meantime, I need to get myself a new camera charger so I can share my photos with the world!

So the Season of Celebration is almost upon us! Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's -- oh my!! I will be working hard to strike a balance between maintaining my healthy lifestyle and improving my mad culinary skillz!

And finally, one more thing we should all be celebrating:



Hail to the Chief, people!!

What's For Blinner?

Hey gang! After a fabulously relaxed week of vaycay, I'm back in action! My week off consisted of lots of merriment and self indulgence -- trips to the salon, the spa, the bar, and various eateries all over this fair city. Alas, now its back to reality -- but I think this little spell of downtime will keep me sane until the holidays!

So today was back to my regularly scheduled program - work, etc. Now, when I first made my big plans to say, "Adios Nutrisystem, hello kitchen!" -- I had some grand illusions of me cooking elaborate meals on Sundays to freeze for quick and easy weeknite dinners or pack as lunches throughout the week. Um . . . yeh. So I was lucky that I made it to the grocery store at all last nite, nevermind putting together a Sally Homemaker Weekly Menu. At first, I was feelin' a little lame about my lack of follow-thru . . . but Rome was not built in a day, people. Baby steps. Sooo -- last I did bake myself a couple of pieces of chicken with garlic to add to my lunch salads, and I made sure to stock up on yummy and satisfying grains, like oatmeal and quinoa and light rye bread. A hearty breakfast of Kashi Honey Grain puffs and a nice big apple kept me full all morning long, and the soy crisps I brought to go with my salad were crunchy and filling. I think I am definitely getting better and spreading out my snacks and meals throughout the day, which is a very good thing!

So when I got home tonight, I was hungry, but not starving. I started rooting around in the kitchen, browsing my grocery store stash to see what might catch my eye. The past couple of days I've been craving a big ol' sandwich . . or a hearty breakfast omlet. Must be the cold weather -- suddenly my body is like, "Quick -- pile on the hot and filling carbs!" So I decided to combine my love of breakfast with my love of sandwiches and created a "Faux Salmon Lox Omlet Sandwich . . . For Blinner." (like a breakfast-lunch-dinner three-way . . mmmmm!)

I scrambled some egg beaters with some salmon, spinach and tomato. I toasted 2 slices of light rye bread, and spread 'em with a wedge of light Laughing Cow cheese. I added a slice or two of fresh tomato, piled on my salmon-egg scramble -- and voila! Blinner is served!



Nothin' fancy . . . or difficult . . . or particularly creative . . . but I was impressed with my own ability to satisfy 2 cravings for heavy meals in one healthy swoop! Now by spring, if I can make this sammie with bread I made myself, farm fresh eggs and cheese, and some real salmon (not from a Chicken of the Sea packet) . . . I will have truly succeeded. But for now -- I'm just pleased that my microwave was not involved at all in the preparation of this meal.

Kitchen Witch?

So I went to the Garment District in search of a Halloween costume. For those of you not from the Boston area, the Garment District is a giant mecca of vintage clothes / costume-age / make-your-own-tshirt-y goodness. Everyone and their mom was there, costume hunting. Actually -- it was more like, every fraternity and their house-bunnies were there, looking for "giant chicken" and "slutty pirate" costumes. Tres original.

I wasn't feelin' the costume vibe, but I did find this little beauty in amongst the "50's & 60's Retro" racks:



Nothin' says, "Get back in the kitchen, woman!" quite like a vintage apron! After some pondering, I've decided I can actually incorporate this into a kick-ass Halloween costume . . . but I will say no more about that now. Bwahahaha!