In The Beginning . ..

My stomach hurts. This is probably because I just polished off a Butterfinger flavored frozen yogurt, not because I was particularly hungry, but because this is the Final Froyo Countdown for some time. Starting tomorrow, I am embarking on a dietary experiment of epic proportions.

Yes friends, Mama G and I have decided to try the Nutrisystem diet. Those of you who watch a lot of late-night infomercials or read Us Weekly from cover to cover might be vaguely familiar with this dietary sensation. Basically, Nutrisystem sends you a giant box containing a months worth of breakfasts, lunches, dinners and desserts. You supplement these culinary delights with additional servings of fresh veggies, fruit, protein and dairy products. And then, if all goes according to plan . . . the pounds simply melt away! Magical!




For the purposes of Full Disclosure, I should probably tell you a few things up front:

1. Like 80% of our society, I struggle with my body. Not as much today as I have in the past -- but I am forever fighting with the mirror and the scale over pesky pounds and extra rolls I am sure the world can see. But --

2. I am aware I do not have a ton of weight to lose. I am shoot for a 10-15 pound goal . . . and thats mostly just to see if I can cram myself into some hot designer jeans before packing it in at Christmas. More important to me than fashion and vanity how ever is --

3. Supporting my Mom. Mama G is amazing woman and the rock that our family, friends and neighbors all cling to. She would roll her eyes and say I am wrong -- but I am soooo not. Mama G is always putting everyone else before herself, so I am excited for her to try this as something positive and affirming for her! I know she can do it -- and I want her to know it!! Go Mama! To keep the pressure off of her, though -- I will only be chronicling my own whacked-out dietary journey in this blog. And speaking of whacked-out diets . . .

4. I am the Queen of Scam Diet Mastery. Five years ago, I did the LA Weightloss Diet which is basically designed to hook you on their ridiculously expensive bars. I lost nearly 50 pounds and kept it off for 5 years! Take that, LA Scam Diet! This Nutrisystem thing already seems waaaay more elaborate and legit that the fly-by-night LA deal . . . but if this is some sort of quack diet, I am preparedly to boldly face the challenge and, in the words of Tim Gunn, make it work!! Bring it on, Nutrisystem! Bring. It. On!


5. People who know me and dine with me on a regular basis will tell you that, since my slightly traumatizing LA Weightloss Battle . . . I have some strange eating habits. I exist primarily on salads with grilled chicken . . . to the point where my body has somehow learned how to bulk up on just salads and grilled chicken. When Mama G started talking about this Nutrisystem plan, I looked at the website and thought -- Pasta! Rice! Tacos! This is a diet? I do not care if this food tastes like total crap -- the variety alone would be a treat for me! So to be honest, I am a little nervous about eating this random, freeze-dried, carb-based food. Could I be the first person on earth to gain weight on the Nutrisystem? Rut roh . . .

6. In order to hit the Reset button on my bod, however, I have allowed myself total indulgence for the past 5 days. This meant a cheeseburger at the amusement park, a panini sandwich from the really good sandwich place, a bagel with cream cheese, and Butterfinger frozen yogurt. Food that I do not normally eat, but stuff I imagine other Nutrisystem candidates probably eat all the time. My body seems to be very confused now. Hopefully this means it will welcome the strange, pre-packaged nutrition to follow!

So today, my giant food box came. I think I underestimated just how much food a months worth of food really is. Upon tearing into this giant Box o Potential Thinness, I was struck with this terrifying detail . . . none of this food needs to be refrigerated. Say wha?! Apparently, according to the Results Kit (book of instructions on how to consume this scary diet-feast):

Nutrisystem meals are sealed through a Soft Canning process (like you would tomatoes or peaches), which locks in the nutrition and great taste, and keeps out the elements. Observe:



Hmmm . . . interesting. So if that much anticipated Apocolypse hits any time soon, I will be all set with my kitchen full of freeze dried End of Days entrees. I have always dreamed of eating fettucini alfredo while fire and brimstone rains outside . . . and now I can!!

So here is the Feeding Schedule:

Breakfast -
Nutrisystem Breakfast Entree
Dairy or Protein Serving
Fruit Serving

Lunch
Nutrisystem Lunch Entree
Salad Serving
Fat Free Dressing
Dairy or Protein Serving

Afternoon Snack
Dairy or Protein Serving
Fruit Serving

Dinner
Nutrisystem Dinner Entree
Vegetable Serving
Salad or Fruit Serving
Fat Serving

Dessert
Nutrisystem Dessert entree


At first, I was like -- wtf, man! This is a crapload of food!! (for a girl who eats lettuce with protein for pretty much every meal) . . . but the Lunch entrees are truthfully not very big . . .



I am intrigued, friends. And now a wee bit nervous, since I may have packed on a few extra pounds during the Pre-Diet Primer. So tomorrow -- showtime!!